Growing Up Internet - My Memories

My daughters are at an age where the internet is becoming a thing. Now, it's always been a thing as they are ‘Digital Natives’ rather than a ‘Digital Nomad’ like me, using it to watch their shows and get Alexa to carry out their whims, but they are having to use it for their studies now and so we've had to set out rules and boundaries. The fact is that the internet will continue to have an increasingly significant role in their lives has prompted me to reflect on my own experiences with its emergence. Unlike them, I grew up in an era when the internet was still finding its footing…

Gaming writer Leigh Alexander's Breathing Machine: A Memoir of Computers beautifully captured the experience of growing up alongside the nascent internet, a journey that resonated deeply with me as someone in my early forties. Her memoir evoked a powerful nostalgia for a time when technology felt both exhilarating and profoundly complex. The descriptions of connecting with people in chat rooms, receiving early emails and navigating forgotten search engines paint a familiar picture for those who witnessed the internet's inception. The distinct visual and auditory cues of that era—the blurry images on CRT monitors, the crackle of internal speakers and the mechanical sounds of floppy disks and hard drives—created an almost tangible atmosphere, as if a ‘ghost in the machine’ truly existed.

My own first introduction to the internet occurred around 1996, in Year 10, when a friend insisted I create a Hotmail account. Despite my initial lack of understanding, I created an account that I still use today and am not too embarrassed by. In those early days, the internet felt like a place of boundless magic, potential and authenticity and an unfettered, democratic space brimming with hope.

One of the most significant aspects of growing up with the internet was the ability to find communities. These online spaces were formative, allowing individuals to connect with like-minded people, whether actively participating in comments, chat sections and bulletin boards or simply observing. The shared passion for a particular topic transcended the level of engagement. There was a prevailing belief that the internet could eradicate ignorance by providing widespread access to information, ushering in an era of euphoria where empathy and understanding would flourish globally. Sadly, that optimistic theory seems to have faded, much like Lycos, Geocities, Ask Jeeves and AltaVista.

I recall an instance where I attended a weekend university taster program at the London School of Economics (LSE), which offered access to fast internet and printers. I spent hours of my Saturdays engrossed in downloading and printing greyscale images from Mysterious Cities of Gold, Evangelion and Battle Angel Alita, a few of my greatest passions at the time. The sheer volume of information available online was astonishing. I would stay well into the afternoon, thoroughly enjoying myself while listening to Jean Michel Jarre on my portable CD player. Yes, I was a very hipster teen with my finger on the pulse!

I found my old CD player man-bag whilst tidying up my stuff from the loft…good times!

Growing up with the internet also meant encountering unexpected content, which, in some ways, accelerated maturity. In the late 1990s, it was surprisingly easy to stumble upon inappropriate material accidentally. Even seemingly innocuous searches, like for images of ‘milk’ could lead to unexpected results. A tangential link could quickly expose you to the most grotesque or peculiar content. This experience brought to mind the slow, line-by-line loading of images on my old Amstrad CPC 464 as, back then, images would load row by row over several seconds. I became quite adept at quickly clicking back from an image before it became offensive, almost like a digital game of whack-a-mole.

My involvement in the Gold List, a Mysterious Cities of Gold mailing list, was how I first acquired copied VHS tapes of the entire series. I was ecstatic, paying £50 at the time for six NTSC VHS tapes from America. Later, when a friend downloaded the unofficial soundtrack for me via BearShare, I was convinced of the internet's magical nature. This led me down a nostalgic rabbit hole, where I downloaded old series I had long wanted to watch but were unavailable for purchase—a time well before the widespread release of goldrush content on DVD.

During my university years, the internet also exposed me to a different kind of content: conspiracy theories. I delved into Erich von Däniken's theories about aliens creating the pyramids, which led me to Graham Hancock's pseudoscientific ideas about ancient civilizations being more advanced due to alien intervention or Atlantean knowledge. This, in turn, introduced me to David Icke's theories about a cabal of globalists and bankers ruling the world, secret societies like the Illuminati controlling people, and inter-dimensional shapeshifting aliens feeding on blood and preparing Earth for harvesting. I won't deny that I felt as though I had stepped ‘through the looking glass,’ and it genuinely scared me; I began seeing covert agents and spies everywhere. However, a friend from UEL chatted to me, told me to give my head a wobble, whilst another introduced me to the music of Björk and then I had an epiphany: Really? Bloomin’ lizards! Yes, while there is no doubt that powerful individuals and groups (lobbyists) undoubtedly exist(ed), succumbing to fear and paranoia was not the answer, especially with regards to blood-drinking, shape-shifting, inter-dimensional space lizards (for those who don’t know, this is an actual Icke theory). No, we had Y2K and the Mayan year of 2012 to worry about.

Now I know that living life and challenging real oppressors, rather than fictional reptilian creatures or fleeting cult of personality groups, is what truly matters. That and cat videos. Lots and lots of cat videos!

Despite being virtual spaces, the internet facilitates genuine human connections and relationships. These online communities have served as crucial support networks for many, particularly during events like the pandemic and I am confident they will continue to do so in the face of whatever the future holds for us.

LINK- Japan: My Journey to the East

LINK: My One True Gaming Constant in My Life- Nintendo

LINK: The Offworld Collection- Book Review

LINK- The Future Starts Here: An Optimistic Guide to What Comes Next- Book Review

LINK- On And On And Colston ( Or, How We Kinda Sort of Learned to Talk About the Legacy of Colonialism and the British Empire)

LINK- An English Geek in Saudi

Breathing Machine: A Memoir of Computers- Book Review

I have been a fan of Leigh Alexander's work for quite some time. I discovered her writing in a variety of video game magazines and on websites like Kotaku and often found her think pieces about diversity, LGBTQ rights and representation refreshing against the often toxic bro video gamer commentators online.

The book is slight in size but very personal and informative.

The book is slight in size but very personal and informative.

Breathing Machine’ is a slim memoir/ state of the online nation discourse and follows the evolution of video games through the lens of Alexander's own life. For those not interested in gaming, the book also looks at the evolution of the internet as it is a candid look at 'growing up internet'. It is an honest and remarkably frank look back at how this disruptive technology affected the formative years of Alexander but also, in the wider context, the world. It had me searching my memories for this period of my life and I found myself having some nostalgic recollections of these halcyon simpler times. The myriad of search engines, horribly pixelated images, annoying propriety video plug-ins, poorly created websites with badly optimised wallpaper and the sound of the dial-up-modem still haunt my dreams, but were a very real part of my youth.

I like how Alexander talks about the onset of the internet as a mystery box, full of wonder and seemingly secret content that just seemed out of reach. Her recollection about typing in hell.com and finding an abstract art installation is wonderful as I'm sure we all have a few moments like that that we can recount where we came across a website that was at once unsettling yet intriguing. The ‘Donnie Darko’ website was my version of this and even now, the mystery of how to access all its contents still remains in memory.

Alexander also looks at the negative side of this digital revolution, where often the ignored and under-appreciated nerds from school grew up to be worse than the jocks that often bullied them. The geeks shall indeed inherit the earth. This is a broad sweep but I definitely recognise this in some people I still know from my time at Secondary school. Even now, though they have grown up and have jobs, families etc they still command a presence in the online world but not always in a conducive or practical way. I know Alexander has faced much vitriol and criticism for her work and nearly all of it is unwarranted in my opinion. In the shadow of #Gamergate, we know that there is a small contingent who are angry at multiculturalism, representation and anything else that challenges their homogenous world view. Indeed, Alexander was ahead of the curve when she wrote this book in 2014, seeming almost prescient on her view of how this toxic online marketplace would lead to wider social issues.

This book is a must read for those seeking to look back at the formative years of the internet in the 90s and early 2000s, and for those interested in how Alexander grew up surrounded by video games.

For further reading I'd also like suggest offworld.com or the hardback book, ‘The Offworld Collection’ which was co-authored by Alexander. It is required reading for anyone who wants to have a deeper and more meaningful understanding on what video games can mean. It is a fine anthology book and the variety and depth of essays is remarkable. It looks at how games can deliver ethical social and political commentary.

Alexander understands that many game makers are acutely aware that in these increasingly complex times games have the power to open a new world to us, to introduce us to new ideas, cultures and experiences that we would maybe never otherwise encountered.

LINK: My One True Gaming Constant in My Life- Nintendo

LINK: The Offworld Collection- Book Review

LINK- Manga Exhibition at the British Museum

LINK: Japan: My Journey to the East

The Offworld Collection - Book Review

I started this website in 2013 for a couple of reason, to show my passion for video games and share my thought but also to move the conversation forward on gaming culture. I found that often there was a culture of insularity among many gaming sites, often only covering the big titles. I wanted to cover the weird, quirky, strange and fringe games from the view of an educationalist, a teacher, as I think some games can be a contextual hub for learning. There are a few sites I have found along the way that I feel move the conversation forward and allow the marginalised and non-mainstream to share their views but the most prominent for me was Offworld -BoingBoing, curated by Leigh Alexander and Laura Hudson.

The goal of the website was to focus on the writing and game design work of women, people of color and other marginalised people.

In the words of Site Editor Alexander:

"Offworld is a place for curious and playful grown-ups... there will be an unequivocal and uncompromising home for women and minorities, whose voices will comprise most of the work published here," reads the site's initial statement. "We're looking forward to loving games again".

Over the course of a year the website published diverse, personal and insightful writing about video games from the perspective of an often underrepresented audience. I found the articles spoke to me and the pieces made me think about games and gaming culture at a higher level. I knew of Leigh Alexander through her work at another excellent website, Gamasutra and her articles in Edge magazine and had been following her work for many years. I find that she is often a champion for the underrepresented and marginalised and so when the Kickstarter for the release of the Offworld Collection book started I supported it as I felt that it was important to back something I felt so strongly about. Also the book looked pretty kickass; highlights from the website in luxury hardback format, sign me up! So, after a very long preamble, what of the book?

Well, the book is handsomely presented in an embossed hardcover with quality heavy paper within. The anthology starts with a foreword by Alexander which discusses her motivations for the work she did on the website.
The book proper is split into 58 essays, each covering a wide range of topics that should suit everyone's tastes. I won't go into detail about all of the essays here but will choose a few of the pieces I particularly liked.

The books starts off with Gita Jackson's 'We Are Not Colonist' which is like a call to arms: it states proudly that minority voices are now being heard, they did not just appear out of thin air, they were always there but were not always being heard.

'Should You Kill Monsters, Or Try To Save Them?' by Laura Hudson looks at the intricacies of Undertale, discussing the choices that the player is given, the simplicity of the sword or the path of compassion. The essay considers how even the smallest, silliest decisions have repercussions within the game and how the story stays with you for a long time.

'I Love My Virtual Untouchable Body' by Aevee Bee, which is written from the point of view of a transitioned individual, looks at character design and how it can be empowering to design an avatar and be who-ever you want to be.

'Video Games Without People of Colour Are Not Neutral' by Sidney Fussell, considers how the heroes of fantasy worlds are often white heroes who exist in white worlds. Defenders of racially homogeneous period fantasy say this destroys the illusion and quote quasi-historical sources to support their claims. This is a strange argument but for some non-white characters in fantasy games are less ''realistic'' than dragons.

Games can deliver ethically sophisticated social and political commentary, many game makers are acutely aware of this and in these increasingly complex times I am glad that there exist forums, website and in this case, a book that provokes critical and reflexive thinking. Engaging with things we don’t know about or understand has the power to open a new world to us, to introduce us to new ideas, cultures and experiences that we would maybe never otherwise encountered.

The Offworld Collection is required reading for anyone who wants to have a deeper and more meaningful understanding on what video games can mean. It is a fine anthology book and the variety and depth of essays is remarkable.

The Offworld Collection - Book Review

I started this website in 2013 for a couple of reason, to show my passion for video games and share my thought but also to move the conversation forward on gaming culture. I found that often there was a culture of insularity among many gaming sites, often only covering the big titles. I wanted to cover the weird, quirky, strange and fringe games from the view of an educationalist, a teacher, as I think some games can be a contextual hub for learning. There are a few sites I have found along the way that I feel move the conversation forward and allow the marginalised and non-mainstream to share their views but the most prominent for me was Offworld -BoingBoing, curated by Leigh Alexander and Laura Hudson.

Offworld BoingBoing was a site I'd visit daily for its insightful writing.

The goal of the website was to focus on the writing and game design work of women, people of color and other marginalised people.

In the words of Alexander herself:

"Offworld is a place for curious and playful grown-ups... there will be an unequivocal and uncompromising home for women and minorities, whose voices will comprise most of the work published here," reads the site's initial statement. "We're looking forward to loving games again".

Over the course of a year the website published diverse, personal and insightful writing about video games from the perspective of an often underrepresented audience. I found the articles spoke to me and the pieces made me think about games and gaming culture at a higher level. I knew of Leigh Alexander through her work at another excellent website, Gamasutra and her articles in Edge magazine and had been following her work for many years. I find that she is often a champion for the underrepresented and marginalised and so when the Kickstarter for the release of the Offworld Collection book started I supported it as I felt that it was important to back something I felt so strongly about. Also the book looked pretty kickass; highlights from the website in luxury hardback format, sign me up! So, after a very long preamble, what of the book?

Well, it starts with a foreword by Alexander which discusses her motivations for the work she did on the website.
The book proper is split into 58 essays, each covering a wide range of topics. I won't go into detail about all of the essays here but will choose a few of the pieces I liked.

The books starts off with Gita Jackson's 'We Are Not Colonist' which is like a call to arms: it states proudly that minority voices are now being heard, they did not just appear out of thin air, they were always there but were not always being heard.

'Should You Kill Monsters, Or Try To Save Them?' by Laura Hudson looks at the intricacies of Undertale, discussing the choices that the player is given, the simplicity of the sword or the path of compassion. The essay considers how even the smallest, silliest decisions have repercussions within the game and how the story stays with you for a long time.

'I Love My Virtual Untouchable Body' by Aevee Bee, which is written from the point of view of a transitioned person, looks at character design and how it can be empowering to design an avatar and be who-ever you want to be.

'Video Games Without People of Colour Are Not Neutral' by Sidney Fussell, considers how the heroes of fantasy worlds are often white heroes who exist in white worlds. Defenders of racially homogeneous period fantasy say this destroys the illusion and quote quasi-historical sources to support their claims. This is a strange argument but for some non-white characters in fantasy games are less ''realistic'' than dragons.

Games can deliver ethically sophisticated social and political commentary, many game makers are acutely aware of this and in these increasingly complex times I am glad that there exist forums, website and in this case, a book that provokes critical and reflexive thinking. Engaging with things we don’t know about or understand has the power to open a new world to us, to introduce us to new ideas, cultures and experiences that we would maybe never otherwise encountered. The Offworld Collection is required reading for anyone who wants to have a deeper and more meaningful understanding on what video games can mean. It is a fine anthology book and the variety and depth of essays is remarkable.